6 Things I Learned from Sexologist Shannon Boodram
With one of the most influential voices of the digital generation, Shannon Boodram is teaching millions of young men and women how to have a healthier sex life. This feature appeared in Mediaplanet's 2017 "Sexual Wellness" issue, distributed within USA Today and across Shannon's personal social media channels.
Shannon Boodram photographed by Leslie Kirchhoff
Sex education programs designed to delay sexual activity, increase contraception use, and reduce teen pregnancy fail to do so — and some may even make the problem worse. This is a reality that Shannon Boodram knows all too well. I sat down with the celebrated sexologist and YouTube starlet and learned a lot about condoms, consent, and chlamydia.
1. Most of us don't know what we're doing.
According to a report released by the National Conference of State Legislators, only 21 states require schools to teach sex education, and only 18 states require that the information be medically accurate. Boodram believes that avoiding the subject, however, leads to teenagers having erroneous information regarding sex.
“We understand that we crave sugar even though it’s not healthy for us,” she explains. “But because we know why, we decide to make better food choices. When it comes to sex and relationships, we’re left to our own devices.”
Better sex education plays a vital role in helping young people make responsible decisions and form healthy relationships. Boodram argues that we have to focus on improving communication to effectively do so.
“Something as simple as saying, ‘Once a month you’re going to feel super horny because you’re ovulating at that time' Without those conversations, it can feel like you’re making the wrong choices or that there’s something wrong with you and your body.”
2. Leg hair is sexy, no matter what Cosmo says.
Am I stubbly? Do I smell? Does this lighting make me look bad? These are only a few of the questions that sidetrack us when we’re in-between sheets. Shannon believes that a healthy relationship is contingent on partners giving each other the space to be imperfect.
“Find somebody that treats you the same when you have a face full of makeup on as the day you come off of your period and you haven’t shaved in a week.”
3. It's easy to get trapped by bad habits.
We all know a friend who seems to date different versions of the same toxic person. Our brains can get locked into negative patterns and fixate on people who aren’t good for us.
“It’s like cigarettes,” she says laughing. “Even though they’re not great for you, you can get addicted.”
Her fix? Shannon recommends looking at love not as a feeling, but as a neurological condition, such as hunger or thirst.
“It’s extremely important to make sure that the person you spend time with is healthy and respectful because your body can get addicted to people who aren’t necessarily the best for you.”
4. Consent isn't tricky.
Many conversations about consent focus on the phrase “no means no,” but Boodram cautions fans to avoid outdated, black-and-white notions of consent.
“The belief that rape is something that occurs with anonymous men in dark alleys is a dangerous one. While it certainly can play out this way, rape happens far more often by acquaintances in familiar settings," she explains.
According to the National Institute of Justice, about 85 to 90 percent of sexual assaults reported by college women are perpetrated by someone known to the victim.
“Keeping the conversation as broad as possible is important because it could be your boyfriend, it could be your teacher. It could be so many things. Rape is really defined by any moment you decided to say ‘no’ and someone didn't respect it.”
5. The condom cliff is slippery when wet.
Planned Parenthood reports that condoms are used by couples only 25 percent of the time during intercourse. Of those in long-term relationships who didn't always use condoms, 62 percent said they stopped using condoms two months in.
“A few months into a relationship, most couples jump off the condom cliff and stop using them,” she says. “I was in that position.”
For many, she explains, the intangible statistics — that one out of every two people under 26 will contract an STD — don't seem factual or relevant because no one owns up to being a statistic.
“I found out I had chlamydia at my mom’s clinic. I was in a relationship, which is also how I discovered that I was being cheated on.”
Today she encourages fans to be diligent when it comes to getting tested.
6. Sexual quirks should be celebrated.
Many couples hit a wall when it comes to discussing what they really want in bed
“As women, we’re pseudo-brainwashed into making certain faces or saying certain things, or making porn sounds,” she explains. “It can be more of a performance than it is an authentic expression of self.”
A new study by Durex reveals that while 42 percent of survey respondents said they discuss their sex lives with a close friend, only 27 percent said they talked to their partner about their desires or satisfaction in the bedroom. Her advice? Pay attention to the details.
“If someone says something as small as ‘go slower,’ or if someone jolts in a certain way when you graze the back of their knee, pay attention and do it the next time. Being a good partner is all about listening and wanting to be better.”